


the war is over, we are beginning

by Mars_and_Moon



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Ben Hargreeves is Alive, Character Study, Gay Ben Hargreeves, Gen, Klaus Hargreeves Is A Concerned Brother, M/M, Touch-Starved Ben Hargreeves, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationship with Sex, ben "i am completely fine and do not have a drinking problem" hargreeves, i don't even know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-23 21:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18710251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mars_and_Moon/pseuds/Mars_and_Moon
Summary: Ben is completely fine and would appreciate it if everyone would stop implying otherwise.





	the war is over, we are beginning

**Author's Note:**

> what the fuck is this you ask? i don't fucking know. but it's a fuckton of ben angst.
> 
> rated for like, the trigger warnings, which are: alcohol abuse and refusal to admit it's alcohol abuse, a lot of references to sex, what could be seen as sort of suicidal thoughts + so much swearing.

Rave’s had always seemed to overcrowded and filled with too many drugs. Ben would watch Klaus dance around, probably snort something and drink too much. Ben had hated it. Hated them then, hated the weird electronic music and hated the way the lights flashed, they made him dizzy, even as a ghost. 

Ben hated them, maybe with more passion than he should. Especially considering he spent his Thursday nights at whatever alcohol filled building he could find; and rave’s were high on that list. 

He would leave the academy at exactly 8:20pm, after watching Vanya play whatever piece she had been practicing. Klaus would be in the room too, usually levitating or shouting out song requests. More often than not Vanya would indulge him; the two had become closer since the apocalypse-avoidance-time-travel mission. Ben was happy for the both of them. 

It was a nice way to spend most of his day. Ending with take out food and Vanya leaving at 8:00pm. Klaus would go up to his room a few minutes later, and Ben would change his clothes, call a cab, and go to whatever destination he had found.

By 9:30pm he was drunk off his ass and usually dancing with some random guy who would buy him enough booze that even The Horror didn’t bother him. Klaus had asked him once if The Horror got drunk when he did, Ben still wasn’t sure of the answer; but the signs were beginning to point to yes. 

It was stupid, he knew that. It was stupid that Ben had spent twelve years watching helplessly as Klaus poisoned himself with whatever he could get his hands on. At parties and rave’s and bar’s and club’s. And Ben would watch him go home with half-crazy people. People who might have actually killed Klaus had it not been for the sex. 

Here Ben was, alive again and doing the same thing he had cursed Klaus for doing. It was the circle of life, or something. 

Ben liked his scheduled Thursday night binge drinking fests; and maybe it was because all of it proved to himself that he didn’t have a problem. He had been around enough addict’s to know they don’t schedule a fix. They take however much they can, whenever they can. 

And okay, sometimes Ben had a few too many glasses of wine at dinner, but so did Allison some nights. Hell, even Five had a couple glasses on the nights when he could actually convince someone to actually let him near the wine bottle. It was more often Klaus that let it happen, but Ben was pretty sure he just wanted to live vicariously through Five those nights. Not that Ben would blame him. 

His therapist said he was touched starved, that he had a twisted view on addiction issues, and that he even though he wasn’t alive he was still there, still watching as the world went on and it had royally fucked him up.

Any type of isolation was a tricky thing to recover from. The lack of other people, of touch, of stimulation to his mind. 

Ben thought his therapist was over dramatic and kind of crazy. He wasn't isolated for twelve years, he could talk to  _ people _ maybe they weren't alive, and maybe Klaus was usually ignoring him in favor of other things. But that wasn't isolation.

He only went every now and again, and only because it made Vanya smile when she heard he had gone. And Klaus would stop giving him as obvious concerned glances at him during dinner for a few days. 

It never really helped him. Ben left the therapist's office still feeling something crawl under his skin; feeling his entire body itch for something. 

God, he wished he could chalk it all up to the monsters the lay beneath the surface of his skin. But he couldn't.

Couldn't blame them for how Diego’s arms made him feel when he hugged Ben goodbye in a rare moment of softness he showed towards his siblings.That he liked Luther patted him on the back after a run. Liked how Klaus would cuddle up to him like some kind of cat, sprawling across him lap and complained that he was  _ bored _ and Five was talking about math  _ again _ . 

It was definitely not the same feeling as the guys at the rave’s who put their hands on Ben’s hips and didn't let go, grip almost bruising his skin; would let their hands trail along his body and let their mouth travel, have whispers and prayers and dreams and promises murmured into his skin. Like it would keep them all safe until the other person was ready to take them back. 

It’s not like he wanted to sleep with anyone in his family, because, that was gross. It was just that the casual touches always sent him into some kind of frenzy. Like it wasn’t enough. 

Ben was in heaven during all of it, the touches from  _ anyone _ made him remember that he was alive. 

And really, that’s what it all seemed to come back too: that he was alive again. That his heart pumped the blood throughout his body and he could feel the beating if he focused long enough he could physically feel it. His hair would get shaggy and he would feel stubble starting to grow along his jaw. 

He would walk into things, forgetting that they wouldn’t pass through him anymore. The same thing happened with other people.

Ben was alive again, but he felt  _ numb _ all the goddamn time. He had no idea how Klaus always had craved feeling like this his whole life. Ben couldn't even say it made him angry, the numbness, because he couldn't bring himself to be  _ angry  _ or  _ sad  _ or fucking  _ anything. _

So, booze. So, sex. So,  _ anything _ , just for a few seconds of feeling something. 

But really, he was fine. It was, normal. Normal. He was fucking fine, but if one more person asks him how he’s doing he won’t be. 


End file.
